Woman: Well, yes, I have a touch of ... dishonesty so I'd like some Truth please. Apparently its very effective but I've been all over and I can't find any anywhere.
Shopkeeper: Of course, Madam. What kind of truth would you like?
Woman: I thought there was only one?
Shopkeeper: No, no Madam. Let me see now.....there's this for example [jar/tube of ointment]. Relative Truth. Very simple to apply, listen, [reads from packet] "Everything is Relative. There is no Absolute Truth except the absolute truth that there is no Absolute Truth. "Truth" is what's true for you". Great for salving a guilty conscience.
Woman: Oh dear, that all sounds a bit philosophical for me. I'd just like some truth please.
Shopkeeper: How about "Half Truths" [box of aspirin] - they're very good. Quick acting but not long-lasting I'm afraid. [reading the slogan] "Fast relief for those everyday embarassing moments"
Woman: I'm not sure I follow.
Shopkeeper: Well for example, "Half Truths" would give you the courage to say to your neighbour "I'm terribly sorry, but someone has run over your cat" without having to tell them it was you!
Woman: Um....I'm not sure - what about the others?
Shopkeeper: How about Whole Truth [packet of health food].
Woman: Yes - that sounds better, what's that?
Shopkeeper: Very wholesome indeed Madam, what you might call "Truth wi' nowt takin' owt". It's excellent - very effective indeed...especially if you have a bit of a ... blockage. Full of moral fibre!
Woman: That sounds good. What's that huge box up there - the big one on the top shelf?
Shopkeeper: That Madam is the Ultimate and Definitive Truth. It includes Ultimate Morality, Perfect Justice, The Meaning of Life. Its all in there Madam - all you need to know! It can be unpleasant to take and uncomfortable to live with. Its uncomprising but the results are remarkable. That Madam is ABSOLUTE TRUTH!
Woman: There's a lot of it - it must be very powerful!
Shopkeeper: Its the best Madam, totally effective - all you have to do is take it! However, as you can appreciate Madam - its a bit hard to swallow.
Woman: Yes - I can imagine!
Shopkeeper: Well Madam, what would you like?
Woman: I think I'll have a pack of Half-truths please
Shopkeeper: 12, 24 or 48 pack, Madam?
Woman: Oh 24 please, and umm.....
Shopkeeper: Something else??
Woman: Yes I'll have a box of weak excuses, a tissue of white lies - and those statistics look nice - I'll have a bunch of those.
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