Misconceptions

by Jane & Mark Lewis

Background
Rating
Characters
Staging
Scripts

Background

This sketch has a long pedigree. We originally wrote a version of it back in the 1990s and it's based on the "Alas Smith & Jones" head-to-head sketches that we used to enjoy all those years ago. Recently we rewrote it potentially to be used around Easter 2021 (which was immediately after the Census 2021 had been taken - hence the topical reference).
As with most of our sketches this is a set-up for a follow-on. The idea is to show that some people don't have much of a grasp of what the Christian faith is really about but also that our moral standards tend to be determined by "what I do is OK what others do is not". It's designed to be followed by something that explains what following Jesus is really about (e.g. a sermon if it's in a service). Sadly, it may not work anymore (hence the two-pot rating) - the age of this kind of comedy seems to have passed - but there are some good gags in here (that have reliably got laughs in the past) so you might find those useful in another context.

Rating

Characters

1 - someone who thinks they know it all (but doesn't)
2 - someone who knows they don't know it all

Staging

Black background (if possible). The two actors are sat head-to-head across a table.

Our recorded version of this sketch is here on YouTube.

Script

1:    So what did you put on the census for your religion then?
2:    Err… well you know. Christian I think.
1:    Oh I didn’t realise you were a practicing Christian?
2:    What being a Christian takes practice? I thought I was a Christian cos I got christened!
1:    Oh no there’s loads more to it that that. You gotta practice loads to get it right. That’s why they go to church – get the practice in.
2:    Really? What sort of things have you got to practice then?
1:    Well singing for starters there’s lot of singing – haha you’d need a lot of practice.
2:    I can sing …. [sings – badly] Morning has broken ... like that old light bulb .... la la la la lah. We used to sing that at school you know
1:    I thought so
2:    So what else do you have to practice?
1:    Well you gotta practice reading the Bible.
2:    Why does that need practice? Just reading a book innit?
1:    Well because it was written such a long time ago by King James – in olde worlde englishe… Makes it hard to read the words.
2:    what words?
1:    You know all them Thee’s and Thou’s
2:    Oh gotcha - that reminds me of those whatchamacallits that we learnt at school, it was the Ten... Ten...Ten Demands, that was it the Ten Demands.
1:    No I think you’ll find that was the Ten Demandments, actually. The Ten Demandments. Like, er…. “Thou shalt not kill”
2:    You’re not allowed to kill anything, not even spiders? I hate spiders.
1:    Well, no there are exceptions...creepy crawley things, slithery-slimy things, Piers Morgan {insert favourite controversial character here}…
2:    Ah I see. What else?
1:    Um .... “Thou shalt not steal”
2:    What not anything – not even sweets?
1:    Well, no obviously little things like that don’t count. It means don’t steal big things. Like banks for example
2:    Right...
Both:    ...Don’t steal banks.
2:    What about “Thou shalt not commit atoiletry”
1:    I think you’ll find that’s adultery.
2:    Oh yeah, right, adultery [pause]. Er, so what’s that then?
1:    Well obviously ADULT-ery means that, well, it means that adults shouldn’t do ... things with other adults.
2:    What sort of things?
1:    Listen it means you mustn’t [leans over & whispers]
2:    [pause] Well not in church, No!
1:    [shaking head] That’s not what I meant...
2:    Anyway it sounds like a lot of effort all this practicing … I’m not sure about what I put on the census now. Maybe I shoulda put Jedi? [pause] Got my own light-sabre.